RRSPORT.CO.UK

    Forum   Gallery   Shop   Sponsors
Home > Off Topic > Jokes
Post Reply  Down to end
Page 13 of 171 <123 ... 121314 ... 169170171>
 
Supertrotter



Member Since: 10 Mar 2006
Location: Brrrr.... guess where :o(
Posts: 9905

United Kingdom 

Jay, free time is the stuff that is rudely interrupted by work Sad Runner up - 2009 Best Avatar Award Sad
Joint runner up - 2009 Outstanding Contribution Award Sad
WINNER - 2008 ‘Best Thread’ Award – Beautiful Women Of The World Very Happy
Runner Up - 2008 Comedian Of The Year Award Sad
Runner Up - 2008’s Funniest Incident Sad


06 RRS TDV6 HSE, Java/Ebony, PTI, Running Boards, Privacy, S/C Grille/Vents, Stormers, Tasmods - GONE - Surprised(

Post #22824 Thu Apr 06 2006 7:58am
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
JayMann



Member Since: 19 Jan 2006
Location: Stop acting like snob when you just won the Lotto!
Posts: 22898

United Kingdom 2006 Range Rover Sport TDV6 HSE Buckingham Blue

Work? What is this work you speak of?? RRS TDV6 Gone but still around
SL55 AMG
760Li Alpina
BMW 535D M Sport
BMW X6 XDrive35D
BMW 320D Coupe M Sport
And A Van For Rex!

WINNER - 2008's Idler Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Comedian Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Funniest Incident


I love boobies i love boobies i love boobies cuz i'm a big kid now! (Come on everybody sing with me you know the words!)

Post #22825 Thu Apr 06 2006 8:04am
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
Supertrotter



Member Since: 10 Mar 2006
Location: Brrrr.... guess where :o(
Posts: 9905

United Kingdom 

Dunno. My boss keeps mentioning it to me but I can't quite fathom what he's on about.

Incidentally, I handed in my notice on Tuesday Very Happy Laughing
3 months to go tho Big Cry

Hey ho! Runner up - 2009 Best Avatar Award Sad
Joint runner up - 2009 Outstanding Contribution Award Sad
WINNER - 2008 ‘Best Thread’ Award – Beautiful Women Of The World Very Happy
Runner Up - 2008 Comedian Of The Year Award Sad
Runner Up - 2008’s Funniest Incident Sad


06 RRS TDV6 HSE, Java/Ebony, PTI, Running Boards, Privacy, S/C Grille/Vents, Stormers, Tasmods - GONE - Surprised(

Post #22827 Thu Apr 06 2006 8:24am
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
Bobby



Member Since: 07 Jun 2005
Location: Kuala Lumpur
Posts: 3781

Malaysia 2006 Range Rover Sport Supercharged Chawton White

A Polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you both to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him." Malaysia Boleh!
4.2SC Chawton White, Stormers
Tasmod's Sills, Wind Deflectors, LR Sills
Clear Side Repeaters, Towbar
Larini Sports Exhaust, K&N Air Filter
______________________________
WINNER - 2008 'Tech-Head Of The Year' Award
WINNER - 2009 Outstanding Contribution
WINNER - 2009 'Tech-Head Of The Year' Award

Post #22828 Thu Apr 06 2006 8:25am
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
JayMann



Member Since: 19 Jan 2006
Location: Stop acting like snob when you just won the Lotto!
Posts: 22898

United Kingdom 2006 Range Rover Sport TDV6 HSE Buckingham Blue

Laughing Laughing

That sounde like what one of the lads that works for me would do Laughing RRS TDV6 Gone but still around
SL55 AMG
760Li Alpina
BMW 535D M Sport
BMW X6 XDrive35D
BMW 320D Coupe M Sport
And A Van For Rex!

WINNER - 2008's Idler Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Comedian Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Funniest Incident


I love boobies i love boobies i love boobies cuz i'm a big kid now! (Come on everybody sing with me you know the words!)

Post #22830 Thu Apr 06 2006 8:29am
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
Supertrotter



Member Since: 10 Mar 2006
Location: Brrrr.... guess where :o(
Posts: 9905

United Kingdom 

Laughing Thumbs Up Runner up - 2009 Best Avatar Award Sad
Joint runner up - 2009 Outstanding Contribution Award Sad
WINNER - 2008 ‘Best Thread’ Award – Beautiful Women Of The World Very Happy
Runner Up - 2008 Comedian Of The Year Award Sad
Runner Up - 2008’s Funniest Incident Sad


06 RRS TDV6 HSE, Java/Ebony, PTI, Running Boards, Privacy, S/C Grille/Vents, Stormers, Tasmods - GONE - Surprised(

Post #22837 Thu Apr 06 2006 8:39am
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
Supertrotter



Member Since: 10 Mar 2006
Location: Brrrr.... guess where :o(
Posts: 9905

United Kingdom 

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open." Runner up - 2009 Best Avatar Award Sad
Joint runner up - 2009 Outstanding Contribution Award Sad
WINNER - 2008 ‘Best Thread’ Award – Beautiful Women Of The World Very Happy
Runner Up - 2008 Comedian Of The Year Award Sad
Runner Up - 2008’s Funniest Incident Sad


06 RRS TDV6 HSE, Java/Ebony, PTI, Running Boards, Privacy, S/C Grille/Vents, Stormers, Tasmods - GONE - Surprised(

Post #22851 Thu Apr 06 2006 10:16am
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
Supertrotter



Member Since: 10 Mar 2006
Location: Brrrr.... guess where :o(
Posts: 9905

United Kingdom 

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
when the old man passes gas and says, "One-Nil."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets rip with a honker and says "She shoots, she scores, 1-1."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Back of the net. 2-1."

Not to be outdone the wife floats an air biscuit and says,
"’Ave it! 2-2."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker, pulls her nightie over her head and sings,
"3-2, 3-2…" Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally follows through in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides." Runner up - 2009 Best Avatar Award Sad
Joint runner up - 2009 Outstanding Contribution Award Sad
WINNER - 2008 ‘Best Thread’ Award – Beautiful Women Of The World Very Happy
Runner Up - 2008 Comedian Of The Year Award Sad
Runner Up - 2008’s Funniest Incident Sad


06 RRS TDV6 HSE, Java/Ebony, PTI, Running Boards, Privacy, S/C Grille/Vents, Stormers, Tasmods - GONE - Surprised(

Post #22852 Thu Apr 06 2006 10:21am
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
Supertrotter



Member Since: 10 Mar 2006
Location: Brrrr.... guess where :o(
Posts: 9905

United Kingdom 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." Runner up - 2009 Best Avatar Award Sad
Joint runner up - 2009 Outstanding Contribution Award Sad
WINNER - 2008 ‘Best Thread’ Award – Beautiful Women Of The World Very Happy
Runner Up - 2008 Comedian Of The Year Award Sad
Runner Up - 2008’s Funniest Incident Sad


06 RRS TDV6 HSE, Java/Ebony, PTI, Running Boards, Privacy, S/C Grille/Vents, Stormers, Tasmods - GONE - Surprised(

Post #22853 Thu Apr 06 2006 10:22am
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
JayMann



Member Since: 19 Jan 2006
Location: Stop acting like snob when you just won the Lotto!
Posts: 22898

United Kingdom 2006 Range Rover Sport TDV6 HSE Buckingham Blue

Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Rolling with laughter Thumbs Up

All good RRS TDV6 Gone but still around
SL55 AMG
760Li Alpina
BMW 535D M Sport
BMW X6 XDrive35D
BMW 320D Coupe M Sport
And A Van For Rex!

WINNER - 2008's Idler Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Comedian Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Funniest Incident


I love boobies i love boobies i love boobies cuz i'm a big kid now! (Come on everybody sing with me you know the words!)

Post #22855 Thu Apr 06 2006 10:41am
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
Andy



Member Since: 15 Oct 2005
Location: Shropshire
Posts: 1369

United Kingdom 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!'' 2002 Discovery Adventurer LE
1998 Freelander xedi
Ertl limited edition RRS model number 817

Post #22993 Thu Apr 06 2006 2:13pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
shmoogle



Member Since: 07 Sep 2005
Location: ... and for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!
Posts: 24350

United Kingdom 

Laughing Laughing Laughing Thumbs Up

Seems that I don't get told enough jokes to post here. It's because I work with humourless bastids!! Crying or Very sad 

2009 Outstanding Contribution Award - Joint Runner Up
2009 'Tech-Head Of The Year' Award - Runner Up


Like it here? Then Donate to RRSPORT!!

Post #22994 Thu Apr 06 2006 2:16pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
Andy



Member Since: 15 Oct 2005
Location: Shropshire
Posts: 1369

United Kingdom 

How To Be Annoying (A Guide)

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you ''like it that way.''
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go.''
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of ''Sweating to the Oldies'' over climactic parts of rental movies. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ''Do you hear that?'' ''What?'' ''Never mind, it's gone now.''
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce ''No, wait, I messed it up!'' and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog ''Dog.''
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with ''That's what YOU think.''
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ''real hoot''.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off ''in case the big one comes''.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as ''Feliz Navidad'', the Archies' ''Sugar'' or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to ''interface'' with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your ''superior mental processing.''
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant ''swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!''
* Finish all your sentences with the words ''in accordance with prophesy.''
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ''magic picture''.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate ''crop circles'' in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend ''tricorder'' and ''scan'' people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know. 2002 Discovery Adventurer LE
1998 Freelander xedi
Ertl limited edition RRS model number 817

Post #22995 Thu Apr 06 2006 2:16pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
JayMann



Member Since: 19 Jan 2006
Location: Stop acting like snob when you just won the Lotto!
Posts: 22898

United Kingdom 2006 Range Rover Sport TDV6 HSE Buckingham Blue

Laughing Laughing Laughing RRS TDV6 Gone but still around
SL55 AMG
760Li Alpina
BMW 535D M Sport
BMW X6 XDrive35D
BMW 320D Coupe M Sport
And A Van For Rex!

WINNER - 2008's Idler Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Comedian Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Funniest Incident


I love boobies i love boobies i love boobies cuz i'm a big kid now! (Come on everybody sing with me you know the words!)

Post #23010 Thu Apr 06 2006 3:03pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
TB



Member Since: 19 Feb 2006
Location: Depends who wants to know . . .
Posts: 5927

United Kingdom 2006 Range Rover Sport TDV6 SE Arctic Frost

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shoot, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight." Arctic Frost TDV6 SE. Aspen Leather, Cherry Wood, Privacy Glass, PTI, Tow Pack, Mudflaps, Tasmods, a new Fuelflap, a RRSport.co.uk umbrella in the boot & a RRSport.co.uk sticker on the rear glass.
__________________

Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but I'm not stupid . . . I know it revolves around the sun. Which shines out of my @rse!!!

Post #23038 Thu Apr 06 2006 5:30pm
View user's profile Send private message View poster's gallery Reply with quote
Post Reply  Back to top
Page 13 of 171 <123 ... 121314 ... 169170171>
All times are GMT

Jump to  
Previous Topic | Next Topic >
Posting Rules
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum



Site Copyright © 2005-2025 Futuranet Ltd & Martin Lewis
RRSPORT.CO.UK RSS Feed - All Forums

Switch to Mobile site