Police Monkeys

A tourist visiting a far away country in the heart of god knows where (possibly Middlesbrough), walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, a Police Sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Traffic Patrol monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash, handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be £5,000 please Sergeant"

The Sergeant paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is a qualified breath test operator, can write twenty tickets a week, can deploy Stinger at a moments notice, knows all there is to know on traffic legislation and is authorised by the Chief of Police in pursuit driving - well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That ones even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that ones a firearms training monkey , it can instruct other monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter Terrorism Training, Physical Training, Small Unit Tactics and investigative techniques, and even type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist turned and saw another monkey, with the price tag of £15,000. "That one must be even better? What does it do?"

That one is a general duties monkey, he is required to know everything about anything, be there yesterday, and then duplicate the information 12 times before tomorrow, relay the same information to 20 different departments, write reports about everything that the old monkeys can't see anymore, be in 5 different places at once, get yelled at by everyone who passes by, and takes the blame for everything all the other monkeys do wrong."

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey in a cage of it's own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do f**k all yet, but it says it's a Detective!"

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

 RRS TDV6 Gone but still around
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WINNER - 2008's Idler Of The Year
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I love boobies i love boobies i love boobies cuz i'm a big kid now! (Come on everybody sing with me you know the words!)

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I

can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About
2 hours."
The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and
asked,"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a
half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he
has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing
hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house." RRS TDV6 Gone but still around
SL55 AMG
760Li Alpina
BMW 535D M Sport
BMW X6 XDrive35D
BMW 320D Coupe M Sport
And A Van For Rex!

WINNER - 2008's Idler Of The Year
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WINNER - 2008's Funniest Incident

I love boobies i love boobies i love boobies cuz i'm a big kid now! (Come on everybody sing with me you know the words!)

I know but it's pretty much a joke!!!

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 RRS TDV6 Gone but still around
SL55 AMG
760Li Alpina
BMW 535D M Sport
BMW X6 XDrive35D
BMW 320D Coupe M Sport
And A Van For Rex!

WINNER - 2008's Idler Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Comedian Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Funniest Incident

I love boobies i love boobies i love boobies cuz i'm a big kid now! (Come on everybody sing with me you know the words!)

Fred's wife refused to wear underwear, and it drove him crazy. He didn't think it was proper or sanitary or right, but nothing he said persuaded her to mend her ways.

But when she caught a bad cold one winter, Fred had a brainstorm. Calling up the family doctor, he said, "Doc, I wish you'd come and look in on my wife; she's got a terrible cold. And there's something else you could do for me. You see, she's got this terrible habit of going around without any underwear on and if you could somehow persuade her that the cold was linked to that, why, I'd pay you double."

The doctor came right over and found the woman wrapped in a blanket on the living room sofa, blowing her nose. Looking down her throat, the doctor said, "Mrs. Brown, I'll give you something for this cold... but if you don't start wearing underpants, its going to bother you all winter."

"You mean to tell me, doctor," she said, "that you can tell from looking down my throat that I'm not wearing panties?"

"That's right," he assured her.

"Well then, would you mind looking up my a**hole and letting me know im my hat's on straight?" Malaysia Boleh!
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Clear Side Repeaters, Towbar
Larini Sports Exhaust, K&N Air Filter
______________________________
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The Sex Frog;

A young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an Exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box Full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with Complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just Follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does Exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any Problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.

The damn frog just Sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this One more time...

Scottish Newborn;

A Scot Is Drinking In an English Bar....He gets a call on his cell phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Scot just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Scot returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled & concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Scots father takes a slow swig from his pint of Real Ale, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender & proudly says, "We had him circumcised".

Iz he a bruvver?

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the
course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peters
flat mate, Nigel, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Nigel & I are just flat mates'.
About a week later, Nigel came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't
suppose she took it do you?'
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter. So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT
REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR
DINNER.
LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH NIGEL, AND I'M NOT SAYING
THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH NIGEL, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF
HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING
FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day; NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!!