MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

A while ago we heard that the Hungarians were going to name a bridge after Chuck Norris.
In Australia this prompted a lot of discussion about whether this was appropriate and a long expose on the Chuck Norris (mini) phenomenon...........

Here is the latest......

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris,"
and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYA".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in Total Recall.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win?
Chuck Norris

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilt his beer.

A Chuck Norris fan then are you ivery?  MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

Does it show

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

Its not a joke, but still funny


>>This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, Australia and even
>>though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.
>>
>>
>>
>>John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the
>>road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The
>>night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could
>>hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly
>>coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without
>>thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door......
>>
>>
>>
>>....................only to realise there was nobody behind the
>>wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
>>
>>
>>
>>The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and
>>saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his
>>life.
>>Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through
>>the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched
>>as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or
>>harmed him.
>>
>>
>>
>>Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the
>>road,
>>so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
>>
>>
>>
>>Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
>>everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
>>
>>A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying
>>and....wasn't drunk.
>>
>>
>>
>>Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
>>stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
>>Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one
>>said to the other...
>>
>>
>>
>>"Look Bruce.....there's that fooooking idiot that got in the car
>>while we were pushing it!!!!" some of my Previous cars
--------------------------------
P38 Range Rover Autobiography
RRS 2.7 HSE Silver
RRS TDV8 HSE silver
FFRR Vogue black
Disco3 HSE silver
RRS 2.7 HSE silver
RRS 3.0 HSE BALTI BLUE
______________________________
current vehicles
RRS 3.0 L494 Autobiography
Audi R8 V10 Spyder
AC Cobra
Landrover Defender 90
Landrover Defender 110
Suzuki Jimney

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the
Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they
wouldn't listen... ...so I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed
biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose
ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off! or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago..." some of my Previous cars
--------------------------------
P38 Range Rover Autobiography
RRS 2.7 HSE Silver
RRS TDV8 HSE silver
FFRR Vogue black
Disco3 HSE silver
RRS 2.7 HSE silver
RRS 3.0 HSE BALTI BLUE
______________________________
current vehicles
RRS 3.0 L494 Autobiography
Audi R8 V10 Spyder
AC Cobra
Landrover Defender 90
Landrover Defender 110
Suzuki Jimney

 MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

1
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks
at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says

- "See honey - its not that hard."

2
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about
15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

3
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,
"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks,
"Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". no regrets!
ONE LIFE LIVE IT.

 MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

 some of my Previous cars
--------------------------------
P38 Range Rover Autobiography
RRS 2.7 HSE Silver
RRS TDV8 HSE silver
FFRR Vogue black
Disco3 HSE silver
RRS 2.7 HSE silver
RRS 3.0 HSE BALTI BLUE
______________________________
current vehicles
RRS 3.0 L494 Autobiography
Audi R8 V10 Spyder
AC Cobra
Landrover Defender 90
Landrover Defender 110
Suzuki Jimney

Subject: Fifty Quid is Fifty Quid

Jeremy and his wife Pamela went to The Yorkshire Show every year. But every year Jeremy would say, "Pamela, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Pamela always replied, "I know Jeremy, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid".
One year Pamela and Jeremy went to the fair, and Jeremy said, "Pamela, I'm 65 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance".
To this, Pamela replied, "Jeremy that helicopter is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid"
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty quid"
Jeremy and Pamela agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his dare-devil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Jeremy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out".

Jeremy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Pamela fell out, but you know, fifty quid is fifty quid" MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

Cliff H wrote:

Morris and his wife Esther went to the local air show every year,and every year Morris would say, "Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter"

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid".

One year when Esther and Morris went to the air show, Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."Esther replied,"Morris you know that helicopter ride is £50 quid. And £50 quid is £50 quid".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's £50 quid." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know £50 quid is £50 quid.......!"

 no regrets!
ONE LIFE LIVE IT.