Where do red-headed babies come from?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be.
Our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this: How often do you have sex?'
The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'









'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust...'

Little Eric and Jenny - both only 13 years old.... but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Eric goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand in marriage

Eric bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, Jenny and I are in love and I want to ask you for your permission.'
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, and quite liking young Eric , Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Eric, you are only 13.. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Eric replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Eric instantly replies, 'Our pocket money. Jenny makes five pounds a week and I make 10 pounds a week. That's about 60 pounds a month and that should do us just fine..'

Mr. Smith is impressed Eric has put so much thought into this. 'Well Eric, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Eric just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'





Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh*t is adorable.

 Current, M135i in Estoril Blue with more extras than the cast of Ben Hur.

535d m-sport Platinum grey and a few extras.... Gone

X5 3.0 sd in Space Grey, 20's, Dynamic Pack, Memory Pack, Media Pack, Tow Pack, Rear DVD, Panoramic Sunroof, Steps, 7 Seat Pack, Reversing Camera with moving lines, programmable park heat, etc etc etc - Gone

Range Rover Sport Santorini, privacy, dvd, towpack GONE!!!

A Drover walks into a bar in New York with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar, turns to the astonished patrons and says "'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my
manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.

And in return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd of drunks murmured their approval with great approval.

So the man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of ts head

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

After a few drinks, the man then stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $300 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd while everyone looked at each other.

After a few minutes, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

And a blonde woman stood up and timidly spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!' '08 RRS TDV8
I converted my diesel RRS to run on an environmentally friendly mixture of caribou fat and baby seals oil

 it's just a blue oil burner

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that
was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they
weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and
told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly
alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his Ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy
in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at
which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could
continue counting on his other hand...

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex,
Sunderland, Aberdeen, Wales and anywhere in Weymouth !!

Old technology:

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters recently, Scottish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in
the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces
of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors
already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years
earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newspaper, reported
the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near
Tralee, Paddy O'Driscoll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that
he has found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded
that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

1. Teaching math's In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching math's In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching math's In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching math's In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching math's In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching math's In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling license.
He is also fined a £100 as his Chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.
He has used the Chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.
While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching math's In 2010
A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again.
The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the math's.

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "Its nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O. K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" she asked.

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene. '08 RRS TDV8
I converted my diesel RRS to run on an environmentally friendly mixture of caribou fat and baby seals oil

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a ."

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

_________________________________________________________________

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?
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I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.