Anyone got any good jokes ?

I'll start things off

The ultimate weightloss programme

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before
him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but
a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later,

huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with
her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same
thing happens. On the fifth
day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb.
As promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is

wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in
excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he
does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for
the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight,
on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost
another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our
most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt
this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there, wearing nothing
but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read: "I'm
Dave. If I catch you, you're mine..." RRS TDV6 Gone but still around
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fantastic!!

have been trying to leave for the past 1/2 hour..
im off now for definite!

Heard this on the radio yesterday morning and made me chuckle.

A student invites his mum round to his flat one night for dinner. It's all going very well and they are enjoying the night, but his Mum sees that her son and his male flatmate seem to have a very good relationship. Almost too good, she thinks. Sensing this in his mum, the son says "I know what you're thinking mum, but it's not true. Me and Gary are just mates." No more is said about it and they say goodbye at the end of the evening. A couple of weeks go by and the son mentions to his flatmate that they're missing a frying pan. "I know", says the flatmate. "It's been missing ever since your mum visited. You don't think she took it, do you?". So the son sends his mum an email.

"Dear Mum,
I'm not saying you have taken it and I'm not saying you haven't taken it, but ever since you came to dinner we've been missing a frying pan."

After a couple of days his mum's reply comes back.

"Dear Son,
I'm not saying you are sleeping with your flatmate and I'm not saying you aren't sleeping with your flatmate. But if he was sleeping in his bed every night he would have found the frying pan by now." 

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Then there's the all time favourite:

Q: What's brown & sticky?
A: A stick 

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Or this one, told to me by Steve Davis one year in Sheffield.

Two buckets of puke are walking along the road, when all of sudden one of them starts crying. "Why are you crying?" says the first bucket of puke. "Oh, it's silly really" says the second bucket of puke, "it's just that I was brought up around here". 

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shmoogle wrote:

Then there's the all time favourite:

Q: What's brown & sticky?
A: A stick

Are the kids helping you with this one Shmoogle  RRS TDV6 Gone but still around
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I love boobies i love boobies i love boobies cuz i'm a big kid now! (Come on everybody sing with me you know the words!)

Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can!

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JayMann wrote:

shmoogle wrote:

Then there's the all time favourite:
Q: What's brown & sticky?
A: A stick

Are the kids helping you with this one Shmoogle

Are you saying I have an immature sense of humour? Well... you're right!! My little boy's not old enough to help me with jokes yet... but I heard this one first from one of my maths teachers at school and it's always tickled me ever since.

More proof of my infantile sense of humour:

Q: How do you make a snooker table laugh?
A: Put your hands in its pockets and tickle its balls.

 

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There geting better Shmoogle  RRS TDV6 Gone but still around
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I love boobies i love boobies i love boobies cuz i'm a big kid now! (Come on everybody sing with me you know the words!)

This one's a bit long but it's GOOD.

The Herberts


The Heberts were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Hebert kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. Come in," Mrs. Hebert cut in. "Really?"
the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty is babies."
That's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too. You can really spread out!"

Wife - "Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
for my husband and me."

Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every
time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of...."

Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it."

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

Wife - "Oh my goodness!"

Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Wife - "She was difficult?"

Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five
deep, pushing to get a good look."

Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes wide in amazement).

Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was
constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then
darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on
your.....equipment?"

Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up
my tripod so that we can get to work."

Wife - "Tripod?"

Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!" RRS TDV6 Gone but still around
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I love boobies i love boobies i love boobies cuz i'm a big kid now! (Come on everybody sing with me you know the words!)

Thats a good one!!!
 Malaysia Boleh!
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A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."

Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet sh**s itself." 

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" WITH MORE EXTRAS THAN A HOLLYWOOD EPIC "

 RRS TDV6 Gone but still around
SL55 AMG
760Li Alpina
BMW 535D M Sport
BMW X6 XDrive35D
BMW 320D Coupe M Sport
And A Van For Rex!

WINNER - 2008's Idler Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Comedian Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Funniest Incident

I love boobies i love boobies i love boobies cuz i'm a big kid now! (Come on everybody sing with me you know the words!)