pussy

your humour tonight is quite CAT_A_TONIC

sorry


Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either." no regrets!
ONE LIFE LIVE IT.

They must have recovered from their excursion in the fibro boat with the outdoor motor then

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!" no regrets!
ONE LIFE LIVE IT.

TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times
you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4
times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and
tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you
move.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get
more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the
balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty
book
98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball, etc.
on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed
and were the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what
I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt
me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe. no regrets!
ONE LIFE LIVE IT.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail
all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto
placed his ear to the ground and listened.
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Face sticky." no regrets!
ONE LIFE LIVE IT.

hhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Pussy
I think you'd better go back to the wiggles

Pussy's still on form!  MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

If Tommy Cooper were alive today...
>I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
>I said, "No, permanent."
> >
> >
> >My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
> >
> >
> >I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."e said,
>"You've got cholera."
> >
> >
> >I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
>it's P something T something R.
> >
> >
> >I was reading this
>book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
> >
> >
> >I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
>"Do you want an aquarium?"I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
> >
> >
> >I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
>it.
> >I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
> >
> >
> >Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
>T'PAU!
> >
> >I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
> >
> >
> >I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.'Best
>Before End'
> >
> >
> >I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."I said
>"No, just a watch."
> >
> >
> >I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
>said
>"Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
> >
> >
> >I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
>went on and on.
> >
> >
> >The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
>work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
> >
> >
> >This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
>paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
> >
> >
> >I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
>on?"
> >I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
>anything."
> >
> >
> >I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
>outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
> >
> >
> >This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!
> >
> >I fancied a
>game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went
>"Baah" and I went "Moo". He said "You're closest"
> >
> >
> >I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
>splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
>Thursdays."

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for £300

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

 no regrets!
ONE LIFE LIVE IT.

Q: Why was Oprah stopped at the airport?

A: She was getting arrested for carrying 300lbs of crack in her pants. no regrets!
ONE LIFE LIVE IT.

GO BACK TO THE WIGGLES

Cliff H wrote:

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for £300

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

Should have change this to vet not doctor

An old lady, 85, still a a virgin, was about to die.

She wanted her tombstone to read : BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.

When she died, the engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED " Malaysia Boleh!
4.2SC Chawton White, Stormers
Tasmod's Sills, Wind Deflectors, LR Sills
Clear Side Repeaters, Towbar
Larini Sports Exhaust, K&N Air Filter
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