Why parents drink

A boss wondered why his computer technician, one of his most valued employees had not arrived at work & had not phoned in sick either. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave! a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again! , whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

 MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

The loon who drove into Glasgow airport is recovering well in hospital. Apparently he's sitting up, reading poetry and eating haggis. He is in, quite suitably, the Burns unit.

So far the only info he has given police was when he confirmed his name was 'Singed Majeep'

Due to the fact that it would breach his human rights, police will not be able to charge him for terrorist activities. However they are very excited as they will now be able to charge him with.... smoking in the terminal building.

PS Did you notice did all that without a single reference to McDonlads Flaming McMuslim. Perhaps I'm ill and should go and see a doctor.., errrrrrr, then again???  MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

 

2009 Outstanding Contribution Award - Joint Runner Up
2009 'Tech-Head Of The Year' Award - Runner Up

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Brian
I'm glad he was driving a Jeep.
Imagine if he had driven a Land Rover..............it wouldn't have been reported as a terrorist attack
rather as another disgruntled Land Rover owner venting his frustration at the poor quality of his vehicle.
The bloody press need their squeezed in a vice

ivery819 wrote:

Brian
I'm glad he was driving a Jeep.
Imagine if he had driven a Land Rover..............it wouldn't have been reported as a terrorist attack
rather as another disgruntled Land Rover owner venting his frustration at the poor quality of his vehicle.
The bloody press need their squeezed in a vice

Steady on ivery, this is a civilised country.., it's not Australia! Mind you, fair play to you lot over in Oz for catching the "Flying Doctor." You can go ahead sling his knackers in a vice for us if you want!!!

PS Can you please revise that first bit to "this WAS a civilsed country."  MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

None of them have any testicles..or they wouldn't be doing what they're doing.
Instead I guess we'll just have to hang a hand grenade on his foreskin.

ivery819 wrote:

None of them have any testicles..or they wouldn't be doing what they're doing.
Instead I guess we'll just have to hang a hand grenade on his foreskin.

No, that's too good for him! Hang him slowly, whilst being disemboweled, AFTER removing his knackers with a blunt penknife. They're all scum!  MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've
got a big
problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't
see what the problem is. I should think you would
feel complimented."
" The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
***********

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out
and asked
his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How
come you
never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're
never home!"
************

DECEPTIVE SEX

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid
affair.
One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion,
so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making
passionate love.
When they were finished, they fell asleep, not
waking until 8pm. They got
dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to
take his shoes outside
and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the
door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I
>cannot

tell a lie.
My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we
left work early,
went to her place, spent the afternoon making love,
and then fell asleep.
That's why I'm late." The wife looked at him, took
notice of his shoes and yelled,
"I'm not stupid. I can see those are grass stains
on your shoes. YOU LIAR!
You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
*************

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled
and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that
Modern medicine could
give him back his manhood, but that his insurance
wouldn't cover the
surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The
doctor said that the cost
would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium,"
and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large,
but the doctor
urged him to talk it over with his wife before he
made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained
their options. The
doctor came back into the room, and found the man
looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the
kitchen".
****************

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the
day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you
die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you
a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband, Stiff At Last.'"
************

WOMEN'S HUMOR

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going
to make you
the happiest woman in the world" The woman says,
"I'll miss you."
**************

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. some of my Previous cars
--------------------------------
P38 Range Rover Autobiography
RRS 2.7 HSE Silver
RRS TDV8 HSE silver
FFRR Vogue black
Disco3 HSE silver
RRS 2.7 HSE silver
RRS 3.0 HSE BALTI BLUE
______________________________
current vehicles
RRS 3.0 L494 Autobiography
Audi R8 V10 Spyder
AC Cobra
Landrover Defender 90
Landrover Defender 110
Suzuki Jimney

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man did not smile, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Envoy =

Cliff=

Result= Envoy 3 - 2 Cliff, although Cliff scores 2 more points and wins for shag*ng Envoy's missus!  MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

Brian Mason wrote:

Envoy =

Cliff=

Result= Envoy 3 - 2 Cliff, although Cliff scores 2 more points and wins for shag*ng Envoy's missus!

 

Brian Mason wrote:

Envoy =

Cliff=

Result= Envoy 3 - 2 Cliff, although Cliff scores 2 more points and wins for shag*ng Envoy's missus!

Not tonight


cliff  some of my Previous cars
--------------------------------
P38 Range Rover Autobiography
RRS 2.7 HSE Silver
RRS TDV8 HSE silver
FFRR Vogue black
Disco3 HSE silver
RRS 2.7 HSE silver
RRS 3.0 HSE BALTI BLUE
______________________________
current vehicles
RRS 3.0 L494 Autobiography
Audi R8 V10 Spyder
AC Cobra
Landrover Defender 90
Landrover Defender 110
Suzuki Jimney

Subject: THE EAGLE'S MATE
Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!
Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!"
Well, this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was great but all the loon would say is, "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!" So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....well, you know.....





No, the duck didn't say THAT!!!!! That's an awful thing to think!





The duck said, "I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE!