A duck walks into a pub...


A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working too", says the duck, "now can I have my
beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just that we
don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.


This continues each day for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to
town. The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to
him,

"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous", says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call".


So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money!"

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes" says the barman.
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof, with the hole in the middle", asks the
duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.

"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?! MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?" The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?" The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker." The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him. As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem. The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him. The doctor says, "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die". The mans says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??" The doctor said, "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

One day, a little boy is watching his Saturday cartoons. His mother is on the phone in the room. She is getting extremely . Finally, she slams down the phone screaming "BITCHES AND BASTARDS!!!" The boy turns around and asks, "What does that mean, Mommy?" Realizing her mistake, the mom quickly says, "Uh, ladies and gentlemen."

The boy accepts this answer and later goes to bed after dinner. But that night he has a bad dream. He goes to tell his parents about it, and as he walks in, he sees the two screwing. The mom says "Feel my boobies", and the man says, "Feel my dick". The boy asks what that means. The two, shocked, said "Hats and coats! Hats and coats!"

The next evening, the boy is watching his dad shave. He cuts his lip with his razor. "Sh*t!!" the dad yells. The boy, quizzically, asks what THAT means. The dad quickly says, "That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using!"

Now the boy goes downstairs and sees his mom cutting a turkey. She cuts her finger. "F**k!!!!" she screams. The boy asks what that means. "Uh... cut!" she says instantly.

Now the grandarents arrive for supper. The little boy says, "Hi, bitches and bastards! Hang your boobies and dicks on the coat rack. Dad's upstairs putting Sh*t on his face, and mom's in the kitchen f**king the chicken!" no regrets!
ONE LIFE LIVE IT.

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes.
"What happened to you?" asked the doctor.
"Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field.When we went to investigate, i saw the ball in a cows ass.I went and lifted the tail of the cow and thats when I made my mistake."
"What mistake was that?" asked the doctor.
" I said hey this looks like yours hun!" no regrets!
ONE LIFE LIVE IT.

All=  MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sun glasses, making their way up to the cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the
plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical! Finally, when the airplane has only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!! Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we're going to get killed!" no regrets!
ONE LIFE LIVE IT.

 MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

All above =  

2009 Outstanding Contribution Award - Joint Runner Up
2009 'Tech-Head Of The Year' Award - Runner Up

Like it here? Then Donate to RRSPORT!!

A lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Merc and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to **** yourself when I tell you the price."

 MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

Council Tax



Council tax re-valuers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do not do anything.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.

A local shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son's girlfriend but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in night-clubs.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers.

They are out of control..........


Who'd want to live near Windsor Castle ? MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs