Envoy: Never, was so much blubber, abused by so many, to one so fat!

Drive-Thru ATM

ATM Instructions

A new sign in the bank lobby reads : Please note that this bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash & receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse car the required amount to align car window with machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to it's excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside of the back page
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cah machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card in slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 - 3 miles.
27. Release hand brake.

Sorry Pussy, not you of course, I know your driving is great, well you drive me wild anyway

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly,

A woman came home to find her husband stalking the kitchen with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Killed any yet?"

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

Im not Happy,

This morning on the way to work, I rear-ended a car at a traffic light when I wasn't really paying attention.

When the driver got out... I noticed that he was a dwarf!

He steamed up to my car and said, 'I'm not happy...', So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?'


















I thank you all for being such a great audience today I will now get my coat

Brilliant Cliff!  MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

Sir Winston Churchill wrote:

Envoy: Never, was so much blubber, abused by so many, to one so fat!

 

all of the above





A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes.
Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!" no regrets!
ONE LIFE LIVE IT.

Liverpool Airport closed after they found suspicious car ...


fully taxed, number plates, stereo still there, all it's wheels, ....

I wont add the one about McDonalds Flaming McMuslim as it would be inappropriate.., especially as it's only availble at the Glasgow Drive-Thru!  MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

 MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

Brian Mason wrote:

I wont add the one about McDonalds Flaming McMuslim as it would be inappropriate.., especially as it's only availble at the Glasgow Drive-Thru!

tut tut



 

 no regrets!
ONE LIFE LIVE IT.

Brian Mason wrote:

I wont add the one about McDonalds Flaming McMuslim as it would be inappropriate.., especially as it's only availble at the Glasgow Drive-Thru!

and you were not going to say his favourite group was "THE PRODIGY "  

 MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs