I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Then I realized that she is a dyslexic bitch and that she was trying to say she loves Alan, my best friend.

I got this text from my brother recently. It read: "Can I stay at your house for a while? The old lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick.
For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fuc#ed a girl called Penny. Is that spooky or what?

P-Trigg wrote:

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

Orville was unable to release a statement following the sad passing of Keith Harris. Unfortunately he's speechless. Current - 2020 Range Rover Sport P400e
Gone - 2014 Range Rover Sport HSE SDV6
Gone - 2017 Audi A8 Sport
Gone - 2007 Range Rover Sport HSE TDV8 - Great car.

Dark... but funny. I like it

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then
administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments
and softly asked 'How does that feel'?
Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

i used to be a warewolf but i'm alright NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

At a bar.................

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean - it doesn't matter to me.
I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."


Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?" '08 RRS TDV8
I converted my diesel RRS to run on an environmentally friendly mixture of caribou fat and baby seals oil

A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny: "F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

... And now for something seasonal.

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool Hairy putter Brumstk dat flys fer Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.

YeR FReND, BiLLy



Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career on the bin lorry. How about I send you a f***ing dictionary so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the Harry Potter broomstick, - at least HE can spell!

Santa

P.S. Has your mother started calling you Rain Man?

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah


Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, play station, a train, some GI Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis


Dear Francis,
I'll tell you what, I'll send you a round trip ticket to the North Pole so when you get here I can kick sense into your f***in head. Who names their kid "Francis" anyway. I bet you're gay. I'll send you the Village People album instead.

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.

Love, Susan


Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the $hits and carrots make the deer fart in my face.
You want to be nice for Santa? Leave me a bottle of Johnny Walker some Toblerone and tell your mum to wait up.

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making Toys?

Your friend, Thomas


Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' arses, and losing money at the craps table. And then one shi**y day a year, I send toys to all you little f**kers!

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica


Dear Jessica,
Are you really that stupid? I hope my reindeer crash into your window and trample your family in their sleep for having such a stupid child! I'm skipping your house.

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy


Timmy,
That whiney, begging sh*t may work with your folks, but that crap don't fly up here. You're getting a crocodile instead. He likes it when you slap his head.

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky


Mark,
First of all, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house you live in a s**t hole tower block in Manchester, I can get inside your palace just like all the alkies and smackheads in town do. I will mail your mum some heroin the week before Christmas and she will leave me a key. I am sending you food stamps for Christmas...

Your friend,

Santa

A guy buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas , she is absolutely
overjoyed and promises him extreme sexual favours in return . She then goes off to show
Off the ring to all her friends, at which point the guys friend pulls him to one side and says
The ring is beautiful and must have cost a fortune, but I thought she wanted a sporty 4x4 ??
The guy replies ... OFF !!! Where would I get a fake Range Rover Sport from

This is my Step Ladder...
I never knew my Real Ladder!
Ah, the old ones are the best eh?
 Daily... Audi TT 240 qS, tasteful mods.
Weekend toy... 5' 6", 9 stone, original bodywork!

^ Repudiated by The Donald as fake news............... " 2020 Pangea Green 1st Edition D240 New Defender 110 is here and loving it
2018 Melting Silver Mini Countryman PHEV - soon to be replaced
2015MY Corris Grey SDv6 HSE Dynamic, the best car I have ever owned, totally reliable only a cou0le of rattles in 3 years, now no longer in my care
Also in my garage is a 1996 TDi300 Defender 90 County HT made into a fake CSW

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma. You can't see the eyes of the demon until him come callin'

A group of engineers from LR are in Japan visiting the Lexus factory, hoping to pick up some tips on quality control. The Lexus engineer tells them that they check the fit of the doors by locking a cat in a car overnight. If the cat has suffocated in the morning, they know that the doors are a good fit.

The LR engineers are impressed and decide to do the same when they get back to blighty. They lock a cat in a Defender and leave it.

In the morning the cat has gone...