So i thought that i'd send her over a bottle of Merlot.
So i asked waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'....
and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds,
not looking at the me, then decided to send a reply to me by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response,
took the note from her and conveyed it to the me.

The note read:'For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million pound in the bank
and '8' inches in your pants......
After reading the note, i decided to compose one of my own in return.
I folded the note, handed it to the waiter
and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be:
"I have a Ferrari Maranello,

a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages;
I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami.


There is over twenty million pound in my bank account and portfolio.


But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,
would I cut off two inches.
Just send the wine back"!!!

^^^

Female medical


During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue! In Spain - 2018 F Pace - Frightened away from the Sports due to crank failures
Gone - A couple of RRS, A couple of Disco's. However thinking of another Sport.

The Italian Lover.
A virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No." Stunned, but refusing to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear..... "No, Norwegian. In Spain - 2018 F Pace - Frightened away from the Sports due to crank failures
Gone - A couple of RRS, A couple of Disco's. However thinking of another Sport.

Computer says no......

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one".
roses

"Sorry, too few characters."
pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
1chuffingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
1CHUFFINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."
1ChuffingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
"1ChuffingPrettyRoseShovedUpYour***IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightChuffingNow"

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."
1ChuffingPrettyRoseShovedUpYour***IfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightChuffingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use." Wanted a Series 2 LR since childhood but previously owned MY16 Disco Sport HSE TD4 Auto, MY13 RR Sport Black Edition TDV6 Auto, MY10 RR Sport HSE TDV6 Auto, 2007 Freelander 1 Freestyle TD4 Soft Top, 2009 Freelander 2 GS TD4 Auto, 2007 Freelander 2 GS TD4, 2004 Disco 2 Metropolis Auto, 2002 Disco 2 GS, 2000 Freelander 1 SE TD4 SW

Still hoping for a S2 one day!

Excellent  Current Volvo XC90 R Design T8
Gone 2010 TDV8. Stornoway Grey
Gone VW R50, AUDI S8, ML320 Sport, FFRR V8
Stolen 2007 TDV8.

Perhaps your Mrs has changed the password to 12prettyroses and she is trying to drop an hint.

Nice one Muddy  2012 SDV6 - it's missing a couple of cylinders
2008 TDV8 - it was a labour of love and is much missed

The Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I." Martyn

TDV8 HSE 2010.
Ebony Leather
Santorini Black.

Liverpool

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the welfare officer?

"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl.

"Ten?" says the welfare worker.

"What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan."

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.

"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames."



A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one."

The man replies: "That's my flask."




Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.



Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.



Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.




Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.



Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool?
A. Father's day.



Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!





Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'

'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.






An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.







A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long, but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.

The Salary package is £200,000 a year.'

The Scouser said 'you’re bullshitting me!'


The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'






Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc.

. '08 RRS TDV8
I converted my diesel RRS to run on an environmentally friendly mixture of caribou fat and baby seals oil

At least once.

lmao

Originally Posted by tode View Post
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." ............
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

Bad Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." Martyn

TDV8 HSE 2010.
Ebony Leather
Santorini Black.

Make sure your covered....

Sex Insurance - do you have any ?
Here are some suggestions

* Sex with your wife ...................... Legal General
* Sex with your partner ................. Standard Life
* Sex with someone different ........ Go Compare
* Sex on the phone ....................... Direct Line
* Sex with a fat bird ...................... More Than
* Sex with a hot bird ..................... Privileged
* Sex on the back seat .................. Sheila's Wheels
* Sex with a transvestite ............... Confused Dot Com
* Sex with an animal ..................... Compare The Meerkat
* Sex with a hooker ...................... Commercial Union
* Sex in a boat ............................. Admiral
* Really good sex (Oh Yes !) ......... Churchill
* sex when she's on the pill - Prudential
* sex with a woman with a bigger drink problem than yours - Scottish Widows
* sex with a woman who nicks your car afterwards- Liverpool Victoria
* sex with a female serial killer - Axa
* sex with a woman who keeps standing up saying "My name is Tracy and I'm an.."- AA
* sex with a woman who will let you do whatever you fancy- Co-Operative (I'm with the coop)