Nice.. Looks like i'll have to stay well out of the way of my soon to be ex wife. don't want her to see this and get any ideas. Martyn

TDV8 HSE 2010.
Ebony Leather
Santorini Black.

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack...You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt when you swim in the sea. You can wear NO shirt to swim in the sea.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £3000. Morning suit rental £100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one small suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is £5.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 [1] in 25 minutes.
___________________________________

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Crazy and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing forever! In Spain - 2018 F Pace - Frightened away from the Sports due to crank failures
Gone - A couple of RRS, A couple of Disco's. However thinking of another Sport.

Black Angus Bull

I recently spent £6,500 on a young registered Black Angus Bull
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't
even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young,
so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows!
He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him......


but they kind of taste like peppermint. In Spain - 2018 F Pace - Frightened away from the Sports due to crank failures
Gone - A couple of RRS, A couple of Disco's. However thinking of another Sport.

but they kind of taste like peppermint.

But did they work..?? Martyn

TDV8 HSE 2010.
Ebony Leather
Santorini Black.

I went to the Patent office to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "a folding bottle".

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have."

"I have also invented a folding carton."

Again she said, "what do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

SRE wrote:

Men Are Just Happier People --
...

Tap on the Shoulder

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.......
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years." In Spain - 2018 F Pace - Frightened away from the Sports due to crank failures
Gone - A couple of RRS, A couple of Disco's. However thinking of another Sport.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland Report post

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been f****d laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in". In Spain - 2018 F Pace - Frightened away from the Sports due to crank failures
Gone - A couple of RRS, A couple of Disco's. However thinking of another Sport.

 Arrived: MY16 A/B SDV6 in Aruba, Ivory interior, piano black trim, black panoramic roof, spare wheel, blind spot monitoring, mudlaps and more...

Gone but not forgotten:
2014 RRS2 SDV6 HSE in Loire Blue
2011 Freelander 2 SD4 HSE in Santorini Black

The Ventriloquist


A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in
a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes.


Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color
of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like
you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"


The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:


"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little on your lap." In Spain - 2018 F Pace - Frightened away from the Sports due to crank failures
Gone - A couple of RRS, A couple of Disco's. However thinking of another Sport.

 In Spain - 2018 F Pace - Frightened away from the Sports due to crank failures
Gone - A couple of RRS, A couple of Disco's. However thinking of another Sport.

Later in the year, we older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka ...

* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs...

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China ...

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ...

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by

1) Spending it at car boot sales

2) Going to night clubs

3) Spending it on prostitutes,

4) Buying beer or whisky

5) Get yourself a Tattoo

6) Visit a bookie

These are the only UK businesses still operating in the UK

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer all night

No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help. In Spain - 2018 F Pace - Frightened away from the Sports due to crank failures
Gone - A couple of RRS, A couple of Disco's. However thinking of another Sport.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
Retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'


The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that

Three couples on holiday in spain, an American Couple, a couple from England and a Glasgow husband and wife are all sitting around the same breakfast table one morning. Feeling romantic the American Guy says to his wife " Pass me the Honey please my cute little Honey Bee" which she does with a little giggle.
The English guy fancies a bit of this and says to his wife " pass me the sugar please my Sweetness" the wife hands him the sugar with a loving look.
The Guy from Glasgow not wanting to be out done in the romance stakes, says to his woman " Geez the Mulk ya Coo"