I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a  toga party dressed as a


Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for  experimentation.


The right to bear arms is  slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which  meant that we spent most
of our family holidays in Customs.

The dodo died. Then Dodi died,  Di died and Dando died. Dido must be
sh*tting herself.


My parents are from Glasgow which  means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child... well  maybe one or two grams to get me
to sleep at night.


Is it fair to say that there'd be  less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?   


My mum and dad are Scottish  but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me  to sound like a tw*t.


You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells  you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...
Self-raising?"


The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into  Boots and
punched someone in the face.


I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have  thought
the obvious one was "Shout For help"

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very  frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork...


Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire  station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.


Employee of the month is a good  example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.   


If  you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then  on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained  for that.

Only watched the first series of "Fringe" on SkyTv must have gone down hill since