These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are
the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of
humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!) (Yeah, right!)

> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow?
> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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>
> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?
> A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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>
> Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
> A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of


them in Brisbane , Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?
> A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
>A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not...
>Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Which direction is North in Australia?
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia?
> A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia?
> A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: (from USA) Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.
> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and
eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: (from USA) I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia?
> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

> Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?
> A: Only at Christmas.
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>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?
> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

 Current: I can't say...Oh the Shame!
Gone: 2003 Audi S4 - 340BHP of Fun
Gone: 2005 RRS SE, Silver, Chrome Mirrors, Tinted with a stupid spare wheel!
Gone: Audi A4 2.5 TDi Quattro 180bhp
Gone: BMW 535i
Gone: 1985 Audi Quattro
Gone: Subaru Imprezza Turbo (rubbish)

 2013 Discovery HSE Luxury - 3.0 SDV6 - Santorini Black
2013 Evoque 5 Door Pure Tech SD4 - Orkney Grey with Panoramic Roof (Mrs E's new baby)

GONE - RRS - 3.0 TDV6 HSE - Santorini (2010)
GONE - RRS - 2.7 TDV6 HSE - Java Black (2007)
GONE - Porsche Boxster S - 3.2 - Black

wicked answers, are they forum members? purple people eater

There are no good days, just some days that are not as bad as others!


Gone RR 4.0 P38 Autobiography MY99 Red ( money pit)
Gone RRS MY06 2.7TDV6 HSE Rimini Red
Gone RRS MY10 3.0TDV6 HSE Bali Blue with lots of bits (never grew to love it)
Here Now - 3.6 TDV8 FFRR OVERFINCH Stornoway Grey - loving it x
My work car Ford Mondeo 2.0 TDci Zetec auto Estate in Silver

 
L 405 2013 FFRR 5.0 SC
--------------------------------------------------------------
WINNER - 2009 �Best Avatar� Award
WINNER - 2009 Comedian Of The Year Award

Brilliant  

2009 Outstanding Contribution Award - Joint Runner Up
2009 'Tech-Head Of The Year' Award - Runner Up

Like it here? Then Donate to RRSPORT!!

And a map to find your way round

 

2009 Outstanding Contribution Award - Joint Runner Up
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Seriously, that map has just given me more reason not to visit a island full of poison, sharp teeth and spiders that chase you

All the reasons why I've never entertained moving out there

I always remember my mate who now lives out there, upon his final move out there arrived at his wife-to-be's flat to find one of those Huntsman spiders on the wall as they opened the front door. It's not the sort of welcome I'd envisage really....  

2009 Outstanding Contribution Award - Joint Runner Up
2009 'Tech-Head Of The Year' Award - Runner Up

Like it here? Then Donate to RRSPORT!!

I think I would be forever looking around me and especially the kids for things

I always think when Joe Mangles missus got bitten by that spider whilst having a picnic etc

Good, we have enough people out here without all you pale grey faced, sun starved, damp, cold, over populated, debt ridden pommies. You are all secretly jealous.

Many of your fellow countrymen will fly two hours to Majorca just to see some sunshine...I would too, anything to get out of that miserable little island.

Shmoogs.....your mate must be a whimp if he can't handle a hunstman. Even my 72 year old mother (who is staying from the UKbecause she hates the winter) can get a huntsman out of the house in a few seconds without harming it!

N Pinks, I agree, please don't visit best, you stay in Blighty. I mean, you drive a white Freelander.....and hang out in an RRS forum..  Gone - 2008 Stornoway Grey RRS 2.7 TDV6
Gone - 2009 Buckingham Blue RRS 2.7 TDV6
Gone - 2010 Alaska White RRS 5.0 V8 Aspirated
Gone - 2017 Chawton White RRS 5.0 V8 Supercharged
Current - 2010 Java Black RRS 5.0 V8 Aspirated
Current- 2024 RRS P400 SE Dynamic

I Might just take your advice and stay home were the spider meet a size 11 shoe without throwing it back at you


Are you Sure you don't work in tourism responding to enquires

I had a great few months out there years back on the NSW coast - brilliant

Huntsman by the khazi at 2am - he backed off and the biggest cockroach lookylikey i had ever seen

Need to look at the map to recall where that was - old hippy place, brilliant

Top 10 dangerous Aussie animals:

http://www.australianfauna.com/t10dangerous.php